You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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