He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
