i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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