she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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