i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
