Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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