dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
