I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
