You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
