so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize