I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She even gives head with a lisp.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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