It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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