smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
