I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
