between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off