I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.