On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
