someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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