a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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