Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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