I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
