I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Randomize
