Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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