Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
