So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
