i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
