My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
