I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.