I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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