I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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