We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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