You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
