she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
