why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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