yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
