Sponge bath it is.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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