Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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