what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
