I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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