Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
time to smoke my breakfast
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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