i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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