I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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