well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
