I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
