i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
