The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
you never un-have a 4some
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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