Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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