put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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