Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
