If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.