mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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