I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
