Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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