I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
