Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
