I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
