Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
