This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
