it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
