You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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