This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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