Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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